Thursday 3rd September 2015

I’m having a post lunch cuppa along with a biscuit or two, or three, or more, so far I’ve had a bourbon cream, a custard cream, two chocolate digestives and a shortbread finger. I’m halfway through a jammy wagon wheel, but it’s a toss up as to whether I’ll finish it. I think I’ve reached sugar overload.

Well, Peeps, autumn seems to have shed his coat and is flashing his wares for all to see in my portion of old Blighty. The season has changed for sure. Skies are grey, the kids are back at school and I spotted the first Christmas cards in the shops yesterday.

Self and grass man ZZ had a falling out on Tuesday when I caught him slyly uprooting some of my summer bedding plants. He’s been trying to uproot my pansies for weeks. He reckons autumn planting should be started at the beginning of August, whereas I like to keep my summer plants going for as long as possible. They still look nice and I hate the thought of ‘murdering’ a living thing before its time. It’s cruelty to plants. Anyway, we had words. I told him to stick to grass cutting and leave the borders to me. He said he was only trying to help by giving me the benefit of his expertise, after all he’d been gardening a lot longer than I had. WHATEVER! I’ll be glad when the grass-cutting season draws to a close and I can wave bye-bye to beardy man. I’m still cross with Shane for employing him.

We did go camping and had a great time, even if we did have a massive thunderstorm on our first night. Bloody hell, the ground shook at some of the thunderclaps. Leo irked me by being, well, just Leo. He thinks he’s culinary king of the camping stove, as well as master of the kitchen Aga. Still, it was fun. We walked, talked, fished, and played cards. It was over too soon. We spent a couple of nights communing with nature and then I spent the best part of a week communing with domestic appliances as I got everything cleaned and dried again.

Shane has plans to visit his papa and sis this weekend, so I’ve got stuff to pack for him. Dick and I are staying home. It will be nice to have a few days with just him. He’s promised we’ll go cycling on Sunday, so I’m looking forward to it.

I’ve had some wonderful emails lately, for which I’d like to say a great big thank you. You’re most kind for sharing your thoughts and insights.  It’s funny, the different perspectives people have.

I'm off, as in going, not smelling. I have things to do and a half eaten wagon wheel to dispose of. Oh, wasteful houseboy!

Ciao for now.  

Monday 14th September 2015

Thought I’d drop in for a brief chunter while I suck off a Jakemans’ menthol lozenge.
I’ve been colonised by a virus. Stand well back from your computer screens, Peeps, for I’m a snotty, sniffy, sneezey houseboy today and liable to blast germs through the WWW at any moment. My throat is sore and my joints ache. The men folk kept their distance when taking their leave of me this morning, there was no touching of lips in fond farewell. Shane patted the top of my head as if I were the family dog and Dick rubbed my shoulder, saying a sympathetic, ‘feel better soon, hun.’ I swear he whipped out a bottle of antibacterial hand cleanser as he made his way to his car. It’s no fun being a germ hotel.

Dick and I had a nice weekend together when Shane visited his pappy. We were in trash TV heaven with X-Factor and the Strictly pairing off programme and no Shane to demand we turn off the talent show tripe and get ready to dine out like intelligent, civilised folk. We ate takeaway pizza from the box and ice cream from the tub while predicting what contestant was likely to make off with the glitter ball trophy. It was great. We went cycling as promised on the Sunday. It turned out to be the hottest day of the week and we both ended up with a touch of sunburn to the back of the neck, as well as a bout of nettle rash on our lower legs after a car came too close when overtaking us, forcing us into an overgrown hedgerow. Still, as Dick said philosophically, at least Daddy Shane wasn’t home, so we didn’t have to face TCP torture at his hands. He’s a bloody sadistic fiend with that evil stuff. We soothed our wounds with gentler Germolene, though the nettle rash still itched liked a bastard for several days after.

The weekend just gone wasn’t so good. I was apt to be stubborn and short tempered, probably because this virus was busy moving in on me, disrupting my normally mellow disposition. We had Sunday lunch at Leo’s place. There was a bit of a ‘cactus incident’ that brought some grief my way. Shane was really rather vexed with me. Daddy hand met boy bottom and I was soundly berated for sticking my interfering little snout where I had no business sticking it.

My lozenge is sucked and has done sod all to make me feel better. In fact I feel a bit feverish. I think a couple of paracetamol are called for and perhaps a lie down in a darkened room. Bye-bye for now, houseboy watchers, stay virus free and as ever, ta very much to those who have emailed of late.

Thursday 24th September 2015

Hello, it’s me, the houseboy snot box, returning after a battle with the virus of evil. The little bastard wiped the floor with me, but I fought back. I’m good to go and hot to trot again. Talking of evil, we watched that new drama on the gogglebox last night, ‘Midwinter of the Spirit.’ It was good, very creepy though.  By the end of the episode I was all but melded to Shane’s bones. I tend to gravitate in his direction when fear gets a grip. I do enjoy a bit of horror, but I am very susceptible to its affects. It kicks my imagination into over activity. I needed the loo in the early hours, but I didn’t want to go alone, you know, in case something ‘sinister’ had leaked from the telly and was waiting for me in the dark. I considered waking Shane to escort me to the loo and back again, but sanity prevailed. He wouldn’t take kindly to being woken up to act as ghost buster while I had a piss. I took my courage in both hands and manned up, and then I awoke Dick. He sighed and had a bit of a grumble, but did his Daddy duty by his baby boy, stumbling to the bathroom alongside me and standing guard while I did the business. He fell back into bed afterwards murmuring something about banning me from watching anything with a supernatural aspect, as I was always a pain in the fucking arse afterwards. It reminds me of the time Dick and I chose ‘The Woman in Black’ as one of our film night DVD’s. Shane was out at some business meeting. The film was at a really tense bit when Shane glided into the darkened room and asked what we were watching. We hadn’t heard him come home and just about shit a brick when he spoke. We both leapt to our feet screeching like mad men and clutching at each other for dear life. Our reaction startled Shane, who also let out a yell before demanding to know what the hell was going on. Once our heartbeats returned to normal we fell about laughing. It was hilarious. It certainly got the old adrenaline flowing.

As per usual, I’d like to take the opportunity to thank all mailers for your thoughts and kind words. Cheers, Peeps! I’m off to do some work in the garden. I’ve got a ton of spring bulbs to plant up and I might as well plant them while the weather is fine. God help any evil snail that gets in my way. I will EXORCISE it!


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