Wednesday 1st June 2011


Happy June!


The holiday weekend was rainy and windy. It's still windy today, but at least it isn't raining so I've been able to get some towels and sheets washed and out on the line this morning.


Pollen count is up at the moment so Daddy Shane has his grumpy head on, or at least his grumpier than usual head. I copped it last night when he came in from work. I'd cut some Scented Stocks and Sweet Williams from the garden and put them in a vase on the hall table. They looked lovely and the smell was heavenly. Shane chewed my balls off because he started sneezing the moment he set foot in the hall. He accused me of trying to kill him, to which I replied that if I wanted to kill him I'd put poison in his coffee not flowers in the hall. He smacked a hand across my arse and told me to get rid of the flora. I put them in the summerhouse so I can at least enjoy them when grumpa is out at work and I take a tea break. I love sitting in the summerhouse.

The men folk ended up at the very top of my shit list on Saturday night. I'd just got the chilli in the oven and was tidying around the kitchen when Shane called to tell me plans had changed and they'd be back late, as they'd been invited to dine with some fellow mariners, therefore I had only myself to see to. I was so angry and upset I couldn't speak. I put the phone down on him. They'd left me on my own all day to go sailing with Leo and his crew of merry men and now they were leaving me on my own all evening. I'd already sacrificed what should be my Saturday night out to provide them with dinner after their boat trip and they weren't even going to eat it.

I confess to shedding tears, very unmanly I know, but frankly I don't give a shit. Dick attempted to pour oil in the form of a text that said sorry, but Shane had scented a business opportunity and they'd explain later. I replied to the text with a single word -  'whatever!'

I turned the oven off and went out. I ended up at the cinema. I went to see the new Pirates film.  The only showing with seats left was for the 3D version so I sold my left leg and a pint of blood in order to pay for a fucking ticket and a pair of glasses.  I'm not really supposed to see 3D films. My duff brain isn't good with the medium. It usually gives me a massive headache and it can trigger an episode. I was too angry to care on Saturday night. Anyway, I didn't get past the ads. There was one, I can't remember what it was it for, where a football seemed to come right out of the screen. It was brilliant, but my head just about exploded. I got double vision and thought I was going to be sick. I had to leave.

I headed home, took some painkillers and my episode meds and went to bed. I didn't hear the men folk come home.

I still had a bad headache next morning and stayed in bed. They thought the headache was due to upset over being abandoned the day before and I didn't dissuade them. I milked their guilt for all it was worth. Dick cuddled me and made profuse apologies - I was his lovely honey, his poor baby boy who deserved so much better than two thoughtless Daddies and was there anything I wanted?

Oh yes indeed!

He brought me breakfast in bed and then ventured out to buy me several bars of my favourite chocolate and a couple of expensive music magazines.

Shane offered what passes as an apology in his universe i.e. I had to understand that business was business and every possible opportunity had to be grabbed. He'd make it up to me. How make it up? I could decide how we all spent Bank Holiday Monday.


BHM was very nice. We went to see the new Pirates film (the 2D version of course) and I really enjoyed it. I thought it was possibly the best of the lot, a good old adventure. We had a trawl around the shops and I managed to score a new t-shirt, a shirt and a pair of rather nice grey striped jeans, all of which I wore to dine out at my favourite Chinese restaurant. We returned home where I graciously permitted them to use and abuse me for their pleasure. It was a happy houseboy who settled down to sleep on Monday night.

I'm off to tackle a rabbit, not a live one, I'm afraid it's dead. Sorry fluffy bunny lovers, but rabbit casserole is on the menu tonight.


Saturday 25th June 2011


Dear Diary,

I'm sorry to have left you bereft and unwritten in, but I have excuses. I've been busy about the house and grounds and I've also been away on holiday with my Daddies. On the whole, barring a couple of blips, we had a wonderful time. We went down to North Devon and stayed in a fabulous apartment with sea views. It was amazing. I loved it.

My main reason for popping in and scribbling is to make apology for neglected email replies (I know, I know, I'm a crap emailer) Thank you very much to all who have dropped a line this month, forgive my tardiness in making proper reply. Thanks also to those who sent birthday greeting, it amazes me that folk remember. The holiday was my gift from the men folk this year. They arranged it without me knowing. It more than made up for what happened last year, when my birthday was forgotten by both of them - just another slap on the arse of my annus horribilis, which I will pen up one of these days.

I'm off over to Eileen's place now. She's roped me in to help make cakes for a church charity event on Sunday at her place of worship. My afternoon will be spent beating and creaming, but don't tell Dick or he'll want to come and his idea of beating and creaming is very different to Eileen's. I don't want him disgracing me by depositing something unsavoury in the mixing bowl.

Monday 27th June 2011


We all ended up sleeping in different rooms last night, Shane in the master bedroom, Dick in the single room while I took refuge up in the den. It was either that or kill each other. It was horribly hot and sticky and not even the electric ceiling fan managed to cool the air sufficiently enough to allow us to stay in the same bed. We were all growling and snarling at each other like bad tempered dogs. Dick and I both had a snipe at Shane about getting proper air conditioning installed. He said what he always says, that summer in England (a handful of hot fucking days) does not warrant expensive to install and costly to run air conditioning. We offered to host a charity event to raise the fucking funds. He despatched me to the den and Dick to the single room with a heavy paw swipe to our respective arses and a warning to watch our lip.

I still didn't sleep well. I was up at five shoving the sweaty sheets off my bed into the washer. It was gorgeous out in the garden. Dawn had brought cooler air, which was generous of her, and I sat at the patio table drinking tea.

It wasn't just the heat that made it hard for me to sleep last night. I had things on my mind. Lee called me yesterday afternoon. He and his mate Ben were due to head off to Knebworth for the Sonisphere Festival next month.  There's a great line up of bands including Metallica, Slayer, Slipknot, Sum 41 and the absolutely brilliant Biffy Clyro.

Lee was gutted because Ben has had an accident. The poor sod came off his motorbike on Friday and has a fractured pelvis and broken arm, so no way is he going to be able to do a three-day camping festival. He's still in hospital at the moment. Lee asked if I'd go with him instead. It would be doing Ben a favour too because I could buy his festival and train tickets off him.

I really want to go. I've never been to a big outdoor music festival and lets' face it, there won't be many more chances to see thrash bands like Anthrax, Metallica and Slayer before they cash in their pensions and swap their guitars for Zimmer frames in prep to meet Megadeth (you have to be a metal head to get that one)

I must admit my enthusiasm for the idea overtook me a bit and I more or less said yes, not exactly, but sort of, you know, half promised. Only I haven't mentioned it to the Daddies yet. I was going to talk to them last night, but the right moment didn't seem to arise. It was the same this morning. I planned on broaching the subject with Shane, but he wasn't exactly in a sweet mood due to not getting his full quota of restful sleep, so I held off.

I can't see them being willing to sanction the trip. Aside from the cost, fest and train tickets are not exactly cheap, there's the matter of time off. Shane is bound to point out that I've had a holiday this month. I'm going to have to discuss it with them tonight. I'll have to mellow them out first with a good dinner.


JULY 2011


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