Tuesday 10th April 2012


My computer crashed last time I was adding some chat to my website. I was fiddling, diddling and scrawling when BANG it was gone before I could save and publish properly. I couldn’t access the site for a few days afterwards. I did wonder whether the web host was trying to block me for some reason, maybe because some ignorant zealot had complained about my stuff again. It happens, more so in these increasingly censorious and fascist times we’re living in.  ‘Fun with Dick and Shane’ has apparently been banned by one online bookstore because someone marked it as ‘incestuous.’ How fucking ridiculous! I told the distributor not to pursue the matter on my behalf. It’s not like I sell a ton of books.  It’s a waste of time arguing with people who obviously have a Gestapo mentality. I'm not that keen on the wider distribution thing for my books anyway. I feel it takes away my control a bit. If they get banned they get banned, fuck it. I can’t be arsed with the hassle. I'll just have to stick to and be content with flogging a few copies on Lulu.com. Anyway, my website fears seem unfounded. I’m back in and I’ve fixed some page availability issues.

It was a bloody chilly and grey kind of Easter this year. We were due to spend it with Leo over at his cottage in the Lakes, but we had to cancel because Dick went down with a bad cold that turned to a chest infection. Poor bugger, it knocked him right off his feet, so we stayed home, tucked him up and tended to him with TLC, or at least I did. Shane just issued orders and instructions in his usual dictatorial fashion. Bless him, he can boss for Britain. Dick is feeling a lot better after a course of antibiotics, though he still has a bad cough, which is pissing him off a good deal.

I’m getting a headache. I’m going to take some paracetamol. Ciao for now.


Wednesday 25th April 2012

Okay I feel a fucking rant coming on. It’s been a while, so humour me while I offload.

I hate fucking chocolate limes, not that I ever have, fucked one I mean, they’re too small for a start and even if they were anatomically designed for sexual purposes I would never deign to dip my dick in a citrus flavour confection with a chocolate filling, it would be too traumatic because I’m not agile enough to be able to lick it clean afterwards. I’d have to get Dick to do it, not that he’d complain or anything, but he’d expect me to do the same for him after a sex session and the truth has to be faced, sweet I might be, but I do not have a chocolate filling, not one that tastes good anyway! 

Well I feel better for getting that off my chest. So, Gilli, I hear you ask, or possibly I’m just talking to myself again, why do you hate chocolate limes? They seem such innocent little sweeties.

I don’t, not really. I love Taverners Chocolate Limes and that’s the crux of the matter. I love them too much, but not in a sexual sense. I love eating them, but I can’t suck, not sweets anyway, I’m pretty good at sucking other stuff, but not chocolate limes. Chocolate limes have to be crunched a second after being popped into my gob. It’s perhaps fortunate that the men folk’s cocks aren’t coated in a lime flavour shell and filled with chocolate, because I wouldn’t be able to stop at licking and they’d both be eunuchs by now.

Anyway, he says, getting to the point. I bought a bag of the tempting little sweets while I was shopping on Monday and started happily munching and crunching them on the bus on the way home and that’s when it happened - AGONY! A renegade choc lime fought back as I attempted to crush it between my teeth. It seriously injured one of my back molars. The poor woman I was sitting next to almost shit herself as I let out a yelp and spat masticated confectionary, blood and half a tooth into my hand. It was mega embarrassing. Fortunately I had a tissue about my agonised person and was able to clean the mess off my hand without resorting to wiping it under the bus seat or down the leg of my jeans. 

By the time I got home my tooth was throbbing. I had to phone and make an emergency appointment with my large fisted dentist, Edward Hammer Hands. The tooth had fractured in half, right down to the gum. He cleaned it up and packed it with a temporary filling until it calms down a bit. It has to be crowned. That bag of sweets looks set to be the most expensive confectionary I’ve ever bought. I should have stuck to mints and then maybe they wouldn’t have ended up costing me a mint.

It’s cold today. I have the heating on, but don’t tell Shane or he’ll have me flogged for using fuel outside of the designated season. As far as he’s concerned the central heating goes off the moment the legend ‘British Summertime’ appears on the calendar. I need warmth. I’m still in shock from the lime sugar mugger incident.

As an update I heard my book has been reinstated. Apparently it was put on the ‘ineligible’ list by mistake. Well thank goodness the mistaken banning of the book wasn’t accompanied by the mistaken execution of the writer. I’m sure Dick and Shane would have derived great comfort from a posthumous pardon for the houseboy.

I’m struggling with my latest tome. I now realise why I left so much stuff unsaid that year. There were some tough issues to deal with. Being me I tend to take an ostrich approach to tough issues and stick my head in the sand in the hope they bugger off and go away or at least have the decency to morph into easy issues!

According to the weather report we’re due to have heavy rain over the next week or so. With that in mind I’m going to cut the lawns today and tidy the borders. The spring flowers are fading away now and it’s all looking a bit sad. The tulips and daffodils have had their season.


May 2012



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