Thursday 17th May 2012

Thought I’d better sign in and open a page for May with some newsy bits and bobs

My tooth is all fixed and crowned, but is still aching on and off. My dentist says it should settle down in time. I hope so. I don’t fancy another session with his meaty digits. Honestly the man has fingers like giant pork bangers. My mouth is skilled at dealing with sausage type things, but not ten at once. A visit to him is like being orally gangbanged and not in a fun way.

Spring in my portion of England thus far has been mainly wet and cool with the odd sunny day, but nothing to get excited about. Summer seems to be gearing up to be like my tooth - unsettled.

Shane is away at the moment. He’s in Norway on a business trip. He went last Friday and isn’t back until this Friday. Both Dick and I are missing him like mad and are looking forward to his return. Two is good and lovely, but three is better. I’m planning a special dinner for tomorrow night.

I had an unpleasant episode earlier this month. Daft though it sounds I think my visit to the dentist might have been the trigger, all the drilling and grinding rattled my noggin, and then there’s that bloody lamp they insist on shining in your face, as if they’re interrogating you. It happened on the day I had the permanent crown fitted. I came away from the dentist with a muzzy head, not a headache exactly, just a muzzy feeling. My aura struck while I was making dinner. I was draining a pan of pasta at the time and ended up scalding my chest and legs when I managed to tip the colander of hot penne pasta down myself. It wasn’t serious, no blisters or anything, but it hurt.

Dick and Shane were even more shaken than I was and both of them scolded scalded me for not saying I felt below par. I was mad more than anything else. I was in a furious bad temper for days over it. Shane finally issued a warning for me to calm down of my own volition, or he’d calm me down with a spanking. I managed to get my temper under control, but it was hard going. Accidents like that bring home the potential for danger inherent in my condition and it isn’t something I embrace with any kind of willingness.

I had a nightmare excursion to IKEA with Rob on Tuesday. I thought I was good at throwing wobblers and having fits of mindless fucking hysteria, but his was a showstopper. It’s a shame there were no talent scouts lurking around. He’d have been offered a lifetime’s career playing the role of ‘hysterical gay man’ in film and TV programmes. Bless him. He really did get his knickers in a knot. I’d write up details, but I'm afraid, dear diary, that I can’t be arsed, not today. I’ve got stuff to do so I’d better shift my cute bum and do it.

Wednesday 30th May 2012


Summer leapt through the window of opportunity between spring and winter and shone glorious for a few days here in Blighty.  Throwing all caution to the wind and ignoring sayings about ne’er casting a clout before May is out I changed the bedding yesterday, swapping the winter duvet for the summer one. It was a bad move. We woke up this morning to cool misty weather. By this evening temperatures will probably plummet to below freezing and we’ll have to huddle together in bed to stop our balls from dropping off with the cold. I’m not putting the winter duvet back on, it’s going to the cleaners as planned. I’ll put an extra sheet on the bed and hope the weather takes an upturn again.

Dick scared the crap out of Shane and I on Monday night after popping into the downstairs cloakroom to answer a call of nature. Seconds later the door crashed open and Shane and I shot into the hall as he roared demands for assistance. We thought he must have got his prick caught in his zip or something.

The poor bugger looked like he’d seen a ghost. He claimed and I quote ‘there’s a fucking monster in there, it fucking flew at me, it’s huge, it’s fucking huge!’ He really did look horrified. He had goosebumps on his goosebumps and I swear I could see his hair standing on end.

Shane accused him of hysteria and pushing open the toilet door strode majestically in to investigate. Seconds later he backed out, a startled look on his face, saying, and I quote, ‘fucking hell, it is fucking huge, what the fuck is it?” 

By then I’d broken out in a rash of goosebumps of my own. What the hell was loitering in the downstairs loo? From the look on their faces it had to be something pretty scary.

Mustering all my courage I pushed open the door and peeked into the room - nothing. I ventured in a little further - still nothing. Maybe it had flown out of the open window. Feeling braver I moved towards the window intending to close it and that’s when I felt a whirring motion near the side of my face.

I thought I was going to lose control of my bowels when I saw it. It was fucking HUGE, massive, gigantic, humongous, colossal, gargantuan, vast and enormous! Did I mention it was quite big?

I rocketed out of the bog and threw myself into Dick’s arms demanding protection while exhorting Shane to free our lands of the beast. It was his job as head of house and chief Daddy. Dick agreed.

Shane said no way was he tackling the mega bug, whatever it was. It could be poisonous. He’d never seen anything like it. It was best to leave the loo door shut and hope it made its way out via the way it had obviously come in, through the window. I was then reprimanded for my habit of leaving the bloody windows open.

I wasn’t keen on leaving the alien beast to its own devices. What if it didn’t go out, what if was looking for territory to colonise and our downstairs loo was its chosen location. It was probably sending out messages for others to follow even as we stood there cowering in the hall. Dick agreed. It was best if Shane put the beast out and closed the window to stop it getting back in. After all it was his job to protect his boys. 

He immediately brought in the three-musketeer rule - all for one and one for all. If he had to go in then we were going in too, as backup.

Slowly pushing open the door we inched our way into the room, Shane up front, Dick and I behind, clutching each other’s hands.

Thankfully the beast had stopped flying and had settled on the wall above the hand basin. We stared at it. It was extraordinary and while repulsive its livery was also oddly beautiful in shades of greeny pink and mauve. Shane said he thought it might be some kind of moth. At that point it took flight again and we all shot out of the room and shut the door. Three grown men and not a set of balls between us.

We Googled and found a match for our uninvited loo visitor. It was probably an elephant hawk moth and while big it wasn’t poisonous. None of us had ever seen one before. To be honest I wouldn’t be bothered if I never saw one again. Big bugs give me the creeps and it really was a big bugger. It had a thick broad body and seemed to possess shoulders a weight lifter would be proud of. Just thinking about it has made me break out in goosebumps.

Once Shane knew it wasn’t dangerous he flexed his macho muscles and captured the beast in his hands, releasing it unharmed into the evening air. He was our hero. I went round and shut all the windows to stop it finding a way back in.

I can’t believe it’s nearly June, the time rushes by. We’re almost halfway through the year. For those who have expressed an interest, yes I am still working on my book, not as much as I’d like to, but slowly getting there. The gardens require a lot of my time and energy in the summer months. I no sooner mow the grass than the bloody stuff grows again. I’m working on the borders at the moment, putting in new bedding plants. Let’s hope we don’t get late frosts.

Lunch beckons.

Thursday 31st May 2012

The brief sunny spell is over. The weather is doing what it does best in England - i.e. it’s pissing down. Still, as they say, it’ll be good for the gardens and it’ll save me from having to water the new bedding plants.

The Queen’s Diamond Jubilee is looming and lots of folks in the avenue have got out the red white and blue bunting and flags to show support for our gracious monarch. The council has granted permission for a street party on Sunday to celebrate the anniversary. I’ve quite enjoyed some of the resident meetings about it. Eileen and I are making cup cakes to bring to the communal tables. Most of them are baked. We’ll be spending Saturday decorating them. It’ll be fun. I hope the weather picks up for the occasion.

I have to admit I’m a bit of a fan of Her Madge. I reckon she’s done a great job. She’s proved to be a loyal and dignified Queen.  It gets on my tits when people moan on about how much the royals cost the country. Do they seriously think having an elected official would cost the country any less? It wouldn’t, it would probably cost more and it wouldn’t have anywhere near the same glamour and prestige. People forget that the royal family are under no obligation to stay in this country. They’re vastly rich enough to buy a nice private island and bog off taking all their money, pomp and circumstance with them. Instead they choose to stay and to put up with the lack of privacy, the constant scrutiny and all the boring duties they undertake. They stayed during the war and did their bit. They represent our history and people come from all over the world to see royal events. The tourism industry would collapse if the royal family withdrew from the country. Yep, this boy is a royalist and proud.

I’m planning on launching a surprise ‘bunting attack’ some time tomorrow while Shane is at work.  If I ask if I can decorate the garden he’ll moan about it being tacky and discourage it, but if it’s all up and blowing in the breeze when he comes home he won’t be able to do anything about it, not without looking like an antiroyalist in front of the neighbours. I’m going to tie red white and blue ribbons on the drive gates and top them off with Union Jack flags. It’ll look great! He’ll love it when he sees it. Fingers crossed.

JUNE 2012



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