Tuesday 4th December 2012

December already! The time it do fly my peeps. We had our first fall of snow yesterday, only a light one, but it made me come over all festive. I had to sit down with a cinnamon coffee and a Mr Kipling mince pie. I also had a sudden urge to whip out my baubles, spray them with glitter and hang them from a big stiff branch, but Dick was at work so I had to make do with humming a Christmas tune while planning how to sneak a Chrissy tree into the house without Shane noticing. Bless his Scrooge like heart. Our Christmas arrangements are as yet undecided. I’ve no idea what we’ll be doing, whether we’ll be hosts or guests. My men folk are flat out with work and worry and Christmas plans aren’t part of the agenda at the mo.

I was watching telly this morning while catching up on some ironing. The news is full of news about the ‘Royal Baby’ expected by prince Will and his Dutch, his missus Kate. I feel sorry for them. The world press will dog their footsteps even more now; they won’t get a moment of peace or privacy. It’s just what a pregnant lady needs isn’t it, a load of half arsed pillocks with cameras hounding her every step while gossip columnists from here to Mars make comments about her figure and choice of maternity clothes. There’s a lot to be said for being a common pleb and just getting on with an anonymous life.

Red Alert - A bit of a moan coming up.

I finally, FINALLY, caught up with answering emails today. Most folks send pleasant mails, but I’ve had a couple of nasties since taking up the quill. I guess it’s par for the course when you put yourself in the public domain so to speak. A couple of recent downer mails upset me a bit. Someone, no name given, wrote to say they had bought Fun with Dick and Shane and they thought it was shit, worst and most pointless book ever written.

Fair enough, they don’t like my style and content, that’s okay. I know I’m not to everyone’s taste. I’ve had people say my stuff is cyclical, that it goes round and round on the same subject, and it’s true, it does, but then that’s what life does, it goes round and round on much the same subject, whatever subject applies to each of us. You get up, go to work, have dinner, go out, etc. I write about a particular domestic set up and lifestyle, that’s the subject, so if the subject isn’t to your interest, then you’re not going to like my stuff. It makes me wary of writing another book and putting it out there. Maybe my thoughts have all been aired and my words have all been spoken and it’s time to shut up and bow out.

Getting back to my downer mails. There’s more. He/she hated ‘Fun’ so much they bought the follow up, and guess what, hated it, it’s shit, worst book ever written, even worse than my first one. Wow, I’m so glad I exceeded their expectations. It begs the question. Why buy it then? Great, it’s a few pence in my pocket. Cheers!

He/she took pleasure in informing me they had rated the books one star on a site and if there had been a no star rating they would have given me that. Again, fair enough, they bought the books and didn’t like them and so are perfectly entitled to give it a low rating and a poor review if they so choose. It's freedom of expression.

They went on to say they plan to buy and rate my other books one star. Whoa, steady on! This is beginning to feel like a personal vendetta. What have I done to piss off this person so much that they want to masochistically waste good money on books they hate just so they can low rate them? Fucking hell, am I missing something here? This is one angry dude or dudess. Why? I really don’t get it. The solution is so simple - don’t read the books if they piss you off. If I buy a book and then find I can't get into it and don't really like it, I simply close it and set it aside.  I don't develop a personal hatred of the author and feel a need to set out to 'get them.'
Jeez, life is too short.

I’ve blocked the email address used by this ‘fan.’ Personally I think he/she needs to spend their money on better things - like paying for a good psychiatric assessment to deduce why they have so much anger in them.

Ah well, life is strange and people even stranger. The Internet and the immediacy and breadth of connection it offers, seems to bring out the worst in us humans. People can’t just acknowledge that something, be it a book or a song, etc, isn’t to their particular taste, they have to spew out a hate filled rant condemning not only the book or song, but also the writer or singer of it in the most horrible personal terms. It’s a bizarre modern phenomenon. You see it on twitter and FB all the time, people launching savage attacks on fellow human beings they have never met, especially those in the public eye. It seems the world is full of angry bitter people who can only feel better by hurting others. How sad. Never has the term 'live and let live' been more cogent.

I know some folks have enjoyed and been entertained by my written ramblings. I’ve raised some smiles, caused a few tears, and provoked some thoughts and that makes me happy, it’s enough. I accept that I can’t please everyone.

Things to do, peeps. This is Gillibran Brown, professional houseboy, prolific rambler, expert moaner and amateur writer signing over and out with love. XX

Friday 7th December 2012

It was proper icy again this morning. It’s made me feel more festive than ever. I could snog an elf. The boyfriends aren’t keen…‘fucking ice, fucking traffic will be snarled up.’ Honestly, it’s like being shacked up with Scrooge and Marley. I had to make lots of soothing sounds over breakfasts this morning I can tell you.

I thought I’d better pop in and post today. Apparently my last entry gave the impression I’d taken a mega strop and stomped off into the sunset forever. Thank you to everyone who has emailed to share kind words and some sensible thoughts with the houseboy.  There was no intent to fish for compliments, but it was nice to get them anyway, so cheers!

And now for some culinary news.

I was going to make a rabbit casserole for dinner this evening. I got the rabbit out of the freezer last night to defrost. It was one shot by Shane on a recent shoot with Leo. He’d lopped off its head and skinned it before freezing it, he’d also gutted it, but it still had some organs intact, liver, heart, and kidneys. I don’t mind pulling them out too much. However, when I got it out of the fridge this morning to prepare and joint it before marinating it, I found it had something else still attached, its dick.

I came over all faint and squeamish. Honest, I nearly had to have a lie down in a dark room. I couldn’t have been more horrified if it had resurrected and sprung ‘Thing’ like into the air. It was horrible. I’ve never handled a coney with a cock before. The others I’ve cooked must all have been lady buns. Poor man bun, he was quite well endowed considering. I only hope he had some fun and got plenty of use out of his love equipment before Shane shot him dead and ended his sex life forever. Brute!

Seeing the rabbit’s penis somehow ‘humanised’ him, if you know what I mean. Suddenly he was no longer just meat. He was something of Beatrix Potter proportions, he wore a suit and tie and could talk just like you and me. For a moment I considered becoming a vegetarian. There was no way on earth I was castrating that poor creature. I couldn’t bring myself to touch his dong, never mind cut it off. He’d suffered enough.

I know it’s wasteful, and perhaps a bit strange, but I buried his remains in the back garden with due ceremony and respect. I like to think he’s now happily running around rabbit heaven with his tackle bouncing in the breeze, as he seeks out sexy slutty doe rabbits for no strings attached shagging.

I’ll have to think of something else to cook for dinner. Seeing as I told the men folk I was cooking a rabbit casserole I’ll also have to think up some excuse as to why it didn’t materialise. No way am I fessing up to Dick and Shane that I held a funeral for their dinner because it had a cock. The rabbit wouldn’t be the only skinned thing around here.

I’m helping Eileen do a big bake off this afternoon. I’ll be up to my eyes in pastry and sweet mincemeat mixture. I’m helping her make mince pies and cup cakes to sell at her church’s Christmas fete tomorrow.  I’ll enjoy it. Mmm, I love all the rich spicy smells of Crimbo. 

Tuesday 18th December 2012

Feeling a bit shit at the mo, got an ear infection. Just what I need for Christmas!

I’m signing in for a quick visit to deliver my Christmas card to my fans (waves at Doris and Walter). Click here. 



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