Thursday 1st April 2010
Dear Diary,
Its official! The resident Dominators have no sense of humour. I played a harmless little joke on them this morning and they failed to see the funny side. In fact they strung me from a ceiling hook and took it in turns to beat me with sticks as if I were a human piñata. (Lie detector says NO) Okay, so that’s a fib. They were not amused though and this poor little houseboy suffered as a result. Here’s what happened:
I got up as per usual this morning and went downstairs to the kitchen to begin my morning duties. As per usual I turned on the radio for a little bit of company, listening to the news headlines as I pottered about. The presenters had a bit of a banter and happened to mention that it was April 1st and thus April Fools Day. It got me thinking. Sadly I wished it hadn’t because what it got me thinking was that it might be fun to play an April Fools joke on the men folk. I wracked my brains to think what form it might take, but could think of nothing at all. My mind was a blank.
Disappointed by my lack of creativity I went to collect the milk from the doorstep. We use quite a lot of milk in our house. I like to have a large glass after having a run and Shane drinks it after a gym session because it’s a good source of calcium and protein and as such is a great muscle builder. I prefer to buy milk contained in glass in preference to plastic because it’s much safer, there are no toxins in glass and it’s also much easier to recycle. That aside I like the idea of supporting a tradition that is in danger of all but disappearing in Britain, namely doorstep deliveries of milk. The humble milkman is an endangered species.
Anyway, the idea came to me as I picked up the two chilled bottles of milk that our milkman had deposited in the early hours of the morning, glancing around the front domain as I did so. My eyes fell on the double garage. I put the milk back down and hastened back into the house. I got the spare garage keys and stealthily opened both doors. I went back into the hall, took a deep breath and then let out an almighty shout of mock shock and horror. I then launched myself up the stairs yelling the men folk’s names.
There was a thud and a crash from the direction of the master bedroom, the thud as Dick flung himself out of bed and the crash as Shane flung open the ensuite bathroom door. They both erupted onto the landing demanding to know what the hell was going on. Dick was completely starkers and Shane, half shaved, was robed in nothing but a white bath towel wrapped around his waist.
I pointed at the stairs breathlessly gabbling that I’d gone to pick the milk up off the doorstep and noticed that the garage doors were open. They’d been forced and both their cars had been stolen. There was no trace of them.
I wish I’d had a camera handy to record the look on their faces. How I didn’t crack up there and then is a miracle.
Dick, his face a mask of tragedy, almost trampled me underfoot as he bombed down the stairs shouting, “the bastards, the fucking bastards, not my beautiful car!”
Shane, looking equally shocked, followed hard on his heels, leaping down the stairs two at a time and losing his bath towel in the process while yelling at me to call the police. To be honest I hadn’t expected such a spectacular reaction, it took me back a bit. I was obviously a damn fine actor.
I ran down after them and again I wish I’d had a camera handy to record the sight of them standing on the freezing drive in their birthday suits with a look of total bewilderment on their faces as they peered into the garage and saw their precious cars all safe and sound. They turned to me.
Grinning broadly I gave them the thumbs up and said those immortal words, “April fools!”
There was no sign of appreciation on their faces. My joke did not compute. My balls all but withered and dropped off as tangible waves of icy displeasure wafted in my direction. Jesus. If the look on their mugs was anything to go by I was a dead house servant. For a wild moment I considered slamming and locking the front door and leaving them to the mercy of the elements.
Dick angrily threatened to castrate me if I ever pulled a stunt like that again and then stormed back upstairs leaving me to the mercy of Daddy Shane. Ignoring my pleas that ‘it was just a joke’ and ‘where’s your sense of humour’ he took my hand and briskly led me into the study. I was firmly placed in a corner with my hands behind my back and instructed to stand there until further notice. He left the room and I stood there feeling very much like I had egg on my face. Talk about a backfire.
As I stood there I couldn’t help but mull over what had happened. I pictured their confused horror stricken faces when I told them their cars had been nicked and then the way they’d stampeded down the stairs with their love tackle flapping in the wind. Despite my predicament my shoulders started to shake with suppressed laughter. I couldn’t stop. The tears of mirth were all but running down my legs. I managed to get myself under control, but then my wicked mind relayed pictures of their faces when they realised they’d been duped and it set me chuckling afresh.
Shane’s return to the study sobered me, at least momentarily. He made it plain that he didn’t think much of what he termed my inappropriate, poor taste shenanigans. He really was put out. However, I think I would have gotten off with just the lecture if my weirdly wired brain hadn’t once again conjured up images of their flight down the stairs. I could hear Dick’s voice shouting ‘not my beautiful car’ and it just tickled my funny bone all over again.
Daddy hadn’t been impressed by my joke and he certainly wasn’t impressed by my reaction to his admonishment. Laughter turned quickly to tears when he turned me over his knee and thoroughly spanked my bare backside for my gross disrespect.
In retrospect I suppose I was a bit naughty. I gave them a hell of a fright and in doing so I compromised their dignity and their authority, and it really isn’t my place to do that. This boy was bidden a very cool adieu by both his Daddies as they set off for work this morning. I just hope that they’ll thaw a little over the course of the day.
Oh well, you win some you lose some.
We’ve got Penny, the Muppet and Shane’s pa heading our way for Easter, though we’ll all be spending Easter Sunday at Leo’s. I’ve got mixed feelings about that. Then next week an old school friend of Dick’s is paying a visit, so I’ll be kept busy. I’ll try not to play any practical jokes.
copyright Gillibran Brown 2010
